I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
