I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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