Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
