put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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