my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
