You smell like stripper and shame
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
