she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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