In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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