I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
