I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
