I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
