so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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