Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
