I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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