fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
