Your mouth is God's brothel.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
