textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
