Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
