So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
