Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
