I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
