He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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