The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
