Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
