none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
