My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
