he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We left the knife in your bed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
