I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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