last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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