We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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