it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
