I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
