OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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