last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
