I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
