I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
