im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
