i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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