I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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