Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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