yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
