I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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