so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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