Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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