Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
