I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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