how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
