proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
