I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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