if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
