she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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