she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
