he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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