Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
