Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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