my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
